My divorce story

28 May
21

Why do I do what I do? Born into a blended family and a divorcee myself, I believe the two situations are related. The impact of my own experience has led me to the career I have today, this is my story.

I am a product of Divorce and I’m also a divorcee, I believe the two situations are related. My parents were loving and caring towards me, but it did not prevent the breakdown of their marriage having an impact. My sister and I were the casualties of what became a toxic situation and we witnessed first hand what can happen when children become pawns. But it wasn’t just us, my dad had been divorced before and my half siblings were also impacted. It can’t be unrelated that in my family - all four of the siblings have gone through a divorce themselves.


And why is this the case?


I have given this some thought. Like so many people, my own upbringing, in a blended family, and my parents divorce defined my perspective on marriage (as well as that of my siblings), and in turn defined our perception of divorce. I ran too quickly into a toxic relationship, thinking that I knew best. I repeated the same mistakes and found myself confused, frustrated and disappointed. My boundaries on what was right or was acceptable became sorely tested, and eventually I knew I had to get divorced.


When I divorced my ex husband it was my choice and although I knew I was doing the right thing I still faced the same elements of shame that so many divorcees face, the fear of what others would think, being a failure, the backlash from work.  I only wish someone had been there to help and give me advice.


In writing this blog, I have thought about the lessons I’ve learnt which would help, and have outlined them below:



What I discovered in my own divorce is this –  

  • Unless you make peace with the past and deal with your own emotional baggage you will carry it with you into the next relationship. You had a part to play, own it, learn from it, move on.


  • Looking for other people's approval and validation is futile. How you view yourself  is more important than anything else and the superficial trappings of everyday life can come and go.


  • Looking outside of yourself to make you happy is a hiding to nothing. No amount of holidays, clothes, cars, nights out, plastic surgery will fill the void of self worth and the poor habits you have got into..


  • Your future is defined by you. This is your legacy..  Regardless of whether it is your decision or not, this is part of your story but you can choose the narrative and the legacy it leaves on you and your children.


  • Getting outside objective support is key. Your friends and family mean well, but they are not objective and they will not always give you the best advice.


I don’t regret getting married, or divorced. My own experience and healing has led me to a career I love – helping those with children divorce amicably so that they can move on and form new successful relationships. In my time I have learnt that divorce wasn’t an end, it is a beginning and everyone deserves to have the same opportunity.



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Nichole

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